Last week was one of the most trying times I believe I’ve ever experienced. The challenges started with an event at my home on the 4th of July (with my huge extended family) that ended with its own explosive culmination. Nope, it was not good at all.
Those who know me, know that family means the world to me and the events of that day felt like they may have done irreparable harm. And so the grief began.
The next few days stacked with episode after episode with the tragic deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castille… and then Dallas. And the fact that the magnitude of what I was feeling was being compared, in my own mind, to some of the most horrific challenges I’d endured, left me perplexed and confused.
What was this humongous, terrible, weighted ugliness that I felt?
Sometimes tragic events happen and they open our hearts. We see this all the time, when we rise and avail ourselves to caring for one another in the aftermath of horrific incidents. But sometimes, these types of events shut us down and close off our hearts.
And I realized a few days in, that the latter had happened, both with my family and then with the nation. People were shutting down, only tending to their own wounds and becoming scarily entrenched in their fixed ideologies and positions.
As an empathic person, I knew that not only was I feeling my own anger and grief but I was particularly sensitive to the anguish that filled the air. And all of this left me with an indescribable heaviness and no words.
Each morning I would wake up with the hope that somehow rest would have relieved some of the grief but it took many days for that to happen and I’m so thankful that I have finally experienced a return to myself.
We learn to compartmentalize as a coping mechanism but I don’t believe that compartmentalization should be embraced as a life strategy — and so I knew that I had to do whatever it took to feel whole again.
What helped me was a willingness to first be introspective – even through anger and resistance. When things blew up with my family, I recognized that, although there were certain key players who took the main stage, somehow all of us were complicit and responsible for what had happened.
When things erupt, rest assured that they have been festering for a long time. And each us contributed to the eruption in obvious and not so obvious ways.
Then, this same reasoning had to be applied to what was playing out with our nation. I do believe that the collective experience always mirrors the hearts and minds of the individuals within the group — revealing to us the places where healing is still needed. So, even while we work to elevate the consciousness of others, we have to do the personal work and search for the places where the ugliness of the world also lives within us.
The next thing that I did was to honor my emotions. I bathed in gentleness and compassion for myself – partially because nothing else really felt like an option. I wept. I napped. I allowed myself to be tender — to me. And I also allowed myself to be angry.
Anger can be constructive or destructive. It can spark fury, rage and revenge or conscious, powerful action. I’ve learned that the key is to allow it to move up and out as emotions are meant to be managed. Anger that is unexpressed or not translated into a healthy and appropriate action turns into resentment, hatred and despair. So rather than deny it, we have to allow our anger to fuel our resolve towards right action and then consciously execute on those actions — with love.
And finally, I made the choice to be still. In my work around wholehearted leadership, which I view as a form of self leadership, I teach others that our conventional approach, when faced with a challenge is to immediately jump to, “What do I need to do?” But with wholehearted leadership, the first question is always, “Who do I need to be?” And from there, we can be assured that our subsequent actions will emanate from a much more powerful place of being.
So many are still feeling stuck, confused and helpless. It seems that one tragic event after another continues to stare us in the face. And honestly, with regard to the volatility of the social and political climate in the U.S. (and beyond), it’s easy to surmise that things are far from over.
But all I can recommend to anyone who’s feeling this way is to be brave enough to consistently return to this potent question of “Who do I need to be?” Because I assure you that if the great majority of us approach each day and each challenge with this calming sense of resolve, we might just make it out of this thing, minimally, alive … and optimally … whole.
Owning Change Quote of the Week: “Don’t go on discussing what a good person should be. Just be one.” — Marcus Aurelius
Monica Moody
Monica Moody
